When I first entered matriculation, I never thought of looking for someone here. Maybe cause I already had a boyfriend. But then, things took a turn when I broke up with him. People had been asking me why it happened because my ex wasn't the one to express feelings so, I had to spill it out for them. Truthfully, there were a lot of reasons to why it happened and the actual reason was actually because I lost feelings for him. And it didn't happen after we broke, but it happened towards the end of our relationship, I had to take some time to gather my courage to break it off to him. Anyway, after we broke up, I wasn't planning on looking for anyone else because I didn't think I'd have enough time to thoroughly know someone since I only have a year to be spent here. Fortunately, I was wronged.

I met someone, a month after I broke up, and we started getting to know each other, we got along so well that I felt like I've known him for a long time. After 4 months of being friends, I decided that I was in love with him. Or, if you assume i'm too young for love, let me just put it into another sentence: I have deep feelings for this guy. This guy, which is my current boyfriend is one heck of an amazing guy and I wouldn't trade him for the world. He treats me as well as I deserved, and he makes me feel like I am the only one in his life. Thankfully speaking, I am beyond grateful that I have someone I truly care about and returns the same amount of love I provide him with.

For some people,  4 months is actually short to actually get to know someone, but it didn't feel that way with Afif. I just clicked with him instantly and he made me feel like I was made for him in this world. This is cheesy, I know but if I were to be honest about how he really makes me feel, this is it. No more sugar coating, no more bitter truths. I love him as who he is, his imperfections and flaws better. He makes me wanna be a better version of myself and that's what I look for in a guy.

The best part is, he's never smoked. It's very rare to find guys who don't smoke nowadays because apparently smoking is a norm in every parts of the world and to some men, you're not manly enough if you don't smoke. He's also very friendly and chatty, everyone likes him in his own way, he gets along with everyone easily and he cracks me up everytime. My laughing gas, my gossip partner, my acai for life.

Sayang, if you're reading this, I want you to know that I love you with all my heart and honestly, I have never felt this with anyone else before. It's a different kind of feeling. It' the one I would feel during happy endings in movies, except this time, it happens for real. You are my prince charming, you are my dream come true. You have everything I look for in a guy, so don't ever change yourself because you're perfect just the way you are. You can tell me all your flaws and imperfections all the time but I'll still love you nevertheless. Thank you for the endless times you've treated me like a princess that sometimes I wonder if I ever deserve such special treatment from someone. You have been nothing but a blessing to my life.

Please stay, please don't go. I love you sayang, I always do ♡

The last time I blogged was like uh 6 months ago? Yeap. Don't blame me guys. it's spm.

Newsflash! Trials are over and there's nothing better than a full-on 6 hour internet usage without feeling guilty cause I feel like spm's over. Nah, i'm kidding. But that's how the kids in my school are showing tho hahaha. 'Yay trials dah habis!' macam 'Yay spm dah habis!' Terus plan nak tengok kdramas afterwards lmao, not to forget, me myself included. 

Despite making my way through SPM, I had ben spending 40% of my life in maktab watching Gossip Girl because it is soooo addictive and a daily doss of Chuck and Blair is what I need in my everyday life. They're too cute together and come on, who the hell doesn't ship them? 

Well if you ask how i'm doing, i think i'm doing fine despite the stress and tense of being an SPM candidate. BUT my 12-year-old sister had it worse. Tuition classes from 3.30 pm to 9.30 pm just to score for UPSR kot. School is literally her second home, which sucked cause it's not a boarding school, so kena patah balik rumah mandi siap siap bagai before continuing her journey to menara gading. Looking it from my POV, even upsr pun macam tu, takkan la yang nak SPM ni boleh berfoya-foya lagi? #mohondirisendiriterasa

ENOUGH ABOUT SPM.

Selamat Hari Raya Aidiladha, everyone! Selamat menyaksikan upacara korban yang bakal dijalankan atas para lembutan dan lembutina esok hari! Selamat menjamu selera juadah yang bakal mengisi malah mengembungkan perut anda yang semakin buncit hari demi hari!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO WRITE. HELP. THIS POST IS NOT MAKING SENSE. 

love, love, love. 

The first time I had a crush was when I was 9. This guy was really cute and we were pretty much friends at first, until I saw something in him psh. Everyday after school ends, I'd wait for him outside and pull his bag and talk and kononnya 'benci' dia but just like what orang tua tua selalu kata, benci lama lama jadi cinta. That became true. 

Anyway, a new kid came in and he was pretty close with her, or maybe from my perspective, that girl was being menggedik with my crush. Oh, God know how much I cursed at her. Without realizing, that girl actually hated me too because that girl became HIS best friend since they were in the same class. I was hurt because I didn't think my position in his life would be replaced by someone else. But I continued liking him. 

Blah blah blah stuff happened and that guy liked me too hahaha! We would go back together and although our actions didn't symbolize how we both fell for each other, it was still love. 

Love is different in the eyes of many. 

I find love to be a 'too-good-to-be-true' kind of thing. Love is an amazing feeling. The feeling of loving and knowing you're being loved, it's overwhelming. Of course it takes both sides to give full commitment and support in order to make the relationship work, but I tell you, if you really love the person, then there's nothing to be regret of. Never regret in love. Like let's say you love this guy and this guy loves you too, you guys kind of have something going on but then after time passes, this guy says he loses his feelings and you guys never talk again. Never regret how you fell for him. It's lumrah, having feelings for someone. Just because he hurt you, doesn't mean it was wrong for you to fall for him. It's okay. People fight, things change. Move on. 

I can't say much since i'm only 17 and puhlease, what does a 17 yr old know about love anyways? Too young right? But.. it honestly doesn't matter. It doesn't affect anyone else's life if I love too early or too old. What matters is the action taken after that. Whether you decide to confess, or hold your feelings back. And if you're a girl, and you confess, girl I gotta say you deserve hella praises for that. I find girls who confess first rare and have the damn guts because, society makes it look that way. I'm not trying to blame on society tho, I mean I am a part of the society and all but society has set limits to what girls can and can't do and that sucks. 

Biar la perempuan nak tegur laki dulu, biar la perempuan nak confess dulu. There's no wrong to that. There's no such thing as 'perempuan takda maruah', 'murah' shits like that unless la if you confess to 3 or 4 guys after that. This is the misconception of confessing. Bila you confess, make sure you really love the person and you're SURE of the feeling. You know it's there. Bukannya bila confess, still teragak-agak with what you feel. No. You don't play with these kind of things. Or shall I say, feelings. You take feelings seriously okay.

Tak affectnya ego kau kalau confess dulu. 

Maybe I have felt love, maybe i've not. But one thing for sure, I know it's something amazing :) xo

It's freaking 3 a.m. in the morning and only then I'd say I have much space to think, enough time to blog. I basically only have 1 day left before I leave for maktab and prepare for drama. I find this a shock even to myself but I am the scriptwriter and the director for this year's drama and it's very nervewrecking. Being the director is, needless to say, a heavy burden for me and an intense work since our maktab has always proved victory in drama, I will have to keep the same momentum for this year which means.. winning the drama fest again. Winning is not easy, of course. It includes 100% commitment, countless effort and luck. Yes. You need luck for these kind of things. Somehow, our maktab managed to get lucky in every drama fest hahaha! 

My daily routine in maktab lately has been closely related to drama. Like I barely go for preps, seriously. Every time is possibly spent for drama and the same thing will happen when school reopens. Except, this time it will get a little more chaotic because we're leaving for MRSM Jeli this Thursday. So, that means more practises, and less playing around for the drama team! I don't know what to say about the whole drama tho, it's not like fully ready and i'm very scared but there's no use panicking without taking actions, right? So the time that I have now during the holidays is only being used for drama stuff. Whether it's looking for costume ideas, placement of props, changing of music etc etc, it's always drama. 

I've been very busy indeed and I admit, I was lacking of time to study. My homework is being entirely neglected because apparently, I only have the time to do them after 12 am, and I HAVE TO SLEEP because I get very tired and my eyes get droopy so there's no use staying up when I can barely hold a pencil without resting my head on my arm and forcing my eyelids to remain open. I'm not blaming drama tho. It was something I chose to get involved in. I knew what were the consequences, and i'm taking the risk so.. no harm intended okay? I'm not complaining.. i'm just.. expressing my messed up mind and self at the moment. 

Besides, I promised myself that after drama ends, I'll get back to SPM and i'll drink tons of coffee, stay up, never sleep, study 24/7, don't get involved in anything else, do stuff nerdies do, you know? Yeah. Those kind of stuff. Whatever. Despite all these difficulties, I like being busy. It makes me feel like wow I have a purpose in life. LIKE I'M NOT ACTUALLY USELESS HAHAHA! It's just that I need to balance out curricular activities and studies so that I achieve victory in both aspects! Now that's a real life goal. 

12 - It's okay to feel insecure. 

Being insecure is like a major trend to majority of the girls in the whole world right now. Especially with the existence of numerous amount of self-revealing apps like musical.ly, phhoto and triller, teenagers get to expose their physical appearance. However, this brings unfortunate impact to the people with low-confidence level, making them feel as if they're not as attractive because apparently, physical characteristics matter when you're at this teenager phase.

Most pictures in IG where girls would upload their selfies, you'd at least see one comment that flunctuates their drop of self esteem. And i'm telling you, that it's okay to feel insecure of yourself but it gets bad only when it takes a toll on you. Like when someone gets insecure so hard that he/she actually decides to commit suicide. Now that's when it gets dangerous. What i'm trying to say is that, it's normal to feel insecure. I feel insecure of my friends too. Sometimes I feel like I am not eligible to be their friends because I am different, I don't have good looks, not like all of them. I feel that too. But I don't take it in the negative way, I don't let it affect me deeply instead, I learn to be better because of it.

If my friends were a bunch of smartasses, I'd study harder not with the intention of beating them, but for the sake of my own good self, they only work as the motivation. If my friends dress nice clothes and take good selfies, I'd sort out my outfits again and try out make up, maybe I'd look better with make up? 

I change for the sake of my own satisfaction. Not because of what society made me believe in, not because of those jerks who told me I wasn't pretty enough. No. 

I am acknowledged that not everyone in the world is an optimist. (like me huhu) Therefore, it's harder for some people to cope with the insecurity. If any of you out there who's having trouble with self-confidence, i'm telling you that YOU are in no place to put yourself below than others. Like i've said in my previous posts, we are human and nothing differentiates us other than our knowledge and personality. That's the only thing that matters, okay?

If you don't feel beautiful enough, put that away because you're beautiful in your own style. You have other qualities, yet to be discovered that are far more worthy than just physical appearances. You have potential in other things that may lead you to a better path rather than having an adorable face. You don't have to keep up with people's definition of beautiful because they're so stereotypical and common. You're unique, you're rare. You don't have to be perfect to be the best. Be you, that's even more amazing. Remember that. 

I used to have a very low confidence level, I never felt attractive. People paid more attention to my friends before me. I wasn't smart either. I didn't really socialize because I was scared that people would judge me for every word that comes out of my mouth. But, how long until i'm gonna live my life for other people? How long am I gonna live my whole life thinking negatively of myself? That's not fair. I want to live a happy life too. I want to be good too. 

From then on, I started taking actions because at one point, I realized this is my life, and life's too short to listen to judgements. I started talking to people, dressing for myself and changing myself for ME. I became more confident as days passed by and alhamdulillah, I am happy with everything that I have now. Always start your day with a smile, with a positive thought that you're gonna love today and the next possible days of your life. 

Make the best out of your life! 

10 - Drafts in my nokia phone.

I did it weh. I stopped talking to you and tbh I miss you. I miss you so much that I can cry even looking at you. Tho I have stayed far enough, its wise to say, there wasn't a single regret. Not even once. I loved you and I love you now. It's a shame you won't be able to see that. I do, love you still.

______________________

Tonight sucked. And I hate ever fucking one fr existing.

______________________

Weh, it's fucking killing me. I knew the consequences and I still take the so called chances of me getting you. Why? Why do you do this to everyone? Knowing that they would be charmed with what you do, you simply treat them like shit just because you know they wld fall for you. Like me, I fall hard. And I hate that. I hate that i'm so weak, so vulnerable when it comes to you. So please, if you really care about me, don't ever talk to me again for that will only hurt me.

______________________

I HATE EVERYONE.

______________________

Sem 2 of school fucking sucks and that I wanna kill myself and that I just don't care anymore or that ntg else matters.

______________________

Would you do the same thing? Just like what I did? :/

______________________

Takpa la. Ckp kat dia, at least I nak a happy ending. Takda la habis dgn marah marah bagai. I give up dah weh, i penat gak. Berapa kali I nak kena brokenhearted? Let it be. I don't fucking care anymore. 

______________________

O patut la kau tknk ckp dgn aku.

______________________

Ha'ah, I jealous. 

______________________

ITS SO FULL OF HATES AND CURSED WORDS HAHAHAHA BYE. 

9 - 4 am thoughts. 

It's 4 am and i'm thinking about how lucky I am to be home, with my family. Ever since I got stuck with boarding school, I didn't have much bonding time with the family. Although they regularly called, it's not the same. It's like I was temporarily disconnected from them and that sucked.  

Feeling very grateful with everything that life has to offer at this exact moment. Like being in my room which I find the most heavenly, the sense of warmth my comforter brings especially in this a little too chilly room, having my sisters soundly sleeping by my side; knowing that their safe, and just being able to write this without disturbance. 

I am savouring every moment as I type this, upsetting by the fact that the night's coming to an end, which means school's getting by closer. It's not that I hate school, it's just that, if the teachers weren't so pushy and the students weren't so judgemental, then I'd probably find it a happy place because that's what school is supposed to be. Oh well, you can't always get what you want right? 

The feeling of homesick when I was in boarding school wasn't always there. It only came by once in a while, like a sudden thought. When it came, that's when I'd call mum and ask for her well being. Still remember when I called her somewhere around August and cried on the phone due to missing her so much hahaha. I thought talking to her would help lessen the pain, but I cried even harder when I heard her voice. That's how you know when a person means so much to you. 

Life moves on, even if it means leaving your loved ones behind :')